home » New Year » Mikhail Labkovsky: “Making sure that the child is dressed and fed is a concern, not an upbringing. Mikhail Labkovsky: the secrets of raising a happy child Mikhail Labkovsky on the relationship between parents and children

Mikhail Labkovsky: “Making sure that the child is dressed and fed is a concern, not an upbringing. Mikhail Labkovsky: the secrets of raising a happy child Mikhail Labkovsky on the relationship between parents and children

Surely you dream that your children know what they want - a very important quality for life, since it is a matter of self-confidence, high self-esteem, the right choice of work, family, friends, etc. How to teach this to a child? No, if you do not know how to realize your desires.

Mikhail Labkovsky is the most expensive psychologist in Russia

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My generation's parents never asked, “What do you want for breakfast or lunch? What clothes should you choose?" Usually what mother cooked, we ate. The key words for us were "necessary" and "correctly". Therefore, when I grew up, I began to ask myself: what do I really want? And I realized that I do not know the answer.

And so many of us - we are used to living automatically repeating parental scripts, and this is a big problem, because the only way to live our life happily is to live it the way we want.

Children under 5-8 years old develop by analogy with their parents - this is how the whole animal world works. That is, you are an example for him.

You ask: how to learn to understand your desires? Start small - with household items. And sooner or later you will understand what you want to do. Ask yourself: what kind of cottage cheese do you like? Once you find the answer, move on. For example, get up in the morning - and do not eat what is in the refrigerator or prepared in advance if you do not want to eat it. Better go to a cafe, and in the evening buy yourself something that you really love.

In the store, buy what you really like, and not what they sell on sale. And when you get dressed in the morning, choose the clothes that you like.

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There is one important problem with self-doubt - this is ambivalence, when you are torn apart by multidirectional desires: for example, you can eat and lose weight, sleep and watch TV at the same time, and also have a lot of money and not work.

This is the psychology of neurotics: such people are always in a state of internal conflict, their life does not turn out the way they want, there are always supposedly circumstances that interfere ... We must get out of this vicious circle, perhaps with the help of a psychologist.

Such people do not respect their choice, they can be quickly persuaded, and their motivation quickly changes. What to do with it? Whether it's right or wrong, try to do what you want. If you make a decision, try not to spill it along the way and bring it to the end! The exception is force majeure.

Another tip for doubters: you need to ask less questions to others

My favorite example is the women's dressing room in the store: you can see such women right away! Do not call saleswomen or your husband and do not ask them if the thing suits you or not. If you don’t understand yourself, stand and think at least until the store closes, but the decision should be yours! It is difficult and unusual, but in a different way - no way.

As for other people who want something from you (and this is how our world works, that everyone needs something from each other), you must proceed from what you yourself want. If the desire of a person coincides with yours, you can agree, but do not do anything to the detriment of yourself or your will!

Let me give you a tough example: you have small children who need attention, and you come home from work, you are very tired and do not want to play with them at all. If you still go to play, then you do it not because of a feeling of love, but because of a feeling of guilt. Children feel great! It is much better to tell the child: "I'm tired today, let's play tomorrow." And the child will understand that his mother is playing with him, because she really likes to do it, and not because she should feel like a good mother.

About children's independence

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Roughly speaking, there are two doctrines of infant care: one says that the child should be fed by the hour, and the other that food should be given when he wants to. Many choose to feed by the hour, because it is convenient - everyone wants to live and sleep. But even this nuance is fundamental from the point of view of the formation of the child's own desires. Children, of course, need to be regulated in food, but as part of proper nutrition, you can ask: “What do you want for breakfast?” Or when you go to the store with your child: “I have 1,500 rubles, we want to buy you shorts and a T-shirt. Pick them yourself."

The idea that parents know better than children what they need is rotten, they don’t know anything at all! Those kids whom parents choose to send to various sections also do not understand later what they want. And besides, they do not know how to manage their own time, because they simply do not have it. Children should be left to themselves for 2 hours a day to learn to occupy themselves and think about what they want.

The child grows up, and if you ask him for all sorts of reasons what he would like, then everything will be fine with his desires. And then by the age of 15-16 he will begin to understand what he wants to do next. Of course, he can be wrong, but that's okay. It is also not necessary to force anyone to enter a university: he will unlearn for 5 years, and then he will live with an unloved profession all his life!

Ask him questions, be interested in his hobbies, give him pocket money, and he will really understand what he wants.

How to recognize a child's talents

I want to say right away that before school the child is not obliged to learn anything! Advanced development is nothing at all. At this age, the baby can do something only in a playful way and only when he wants it.

They sent the child to a circle or section, and after a while he became bored? You don't have to force him. And the fact that you feel sorry for wasted time is your problem.

Psychologists believe that a steady interest in any activity in children appears only after 12 years. You, as parents, can offer him, and he will choose.

Whether a child has talent or not, this is his life. If he has abilities, and he wants to realize them, then so be it, and nothing can interfere!

Many people think: if my baby has an ability for something, it must be developed. Actually - don't! He has his own life, and you do not have to live for him. The child should want to draw, but the ability to beautifully create pictures in itself does not mean anything, many can have it. Music, painting, literature, medicine - in these areas you can achieve something only by feeling the need for them!

Of course, it is sad for any mother to see how her son does not want to develop his obvious talent. And the Japanese say in this regard that a beautiful flower does not have to be picked, you can just look at it and pass by. And we cannot accept the situation and say: “You draw cool, well done” - and move on.

How to get your child to help around the house

When a small child sees how mom and dad are doing something around the house, then, of course, he wants to join. And if you tell him: “Go away, don’t interfere!” (after all, he will break more plates than he will wash), then do not be surprised when your 15-year-old son does not wash the cup after him. Therefore, if a child takes the initiative, he should always be supported.

You can offer to participate in a common cause. But then no appeals to conscience: "Shame on you, mother alone is tearing herself up." As the ancients noted long ago: conscience and guilt are needed only to control people.

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If a parent is relaxed and enjoys life, then life is very simple for him. For example, a mother loves to wash dishes and can wash them for her child. But if she is reluctant to mess around at the sink, then she is not obliged to wash the dishes for her offspring. But he wants to eat from a clean cup, they tell him: “You don’t like a dirty one, go wash it after yourself!” This is much more progressive and effective than having the rules in your head.

It is not necessary to force the older child to be a nanny for the younger one, if he himself does not want it. Remember: no matter how old he is, he wants to be a child. When you say: “You are an adult, big,” you generate jealousy for the baby. Firstly, the elder begins to think that his childhood is over, and secondly, that he is simply not loved.

Mikhail Labkovsky, the now popular psychologist, also contributes a weighty word to the eternal debates about the upbringing of children. How to make children happy?

A happy child can only be raised by a happy parent.

No techniques, reading smart books, “wise” behavior will help parents raise their son or daughter psychologically healthy and happy if the parents themselves are in a neurotic relationship. Therefore, first of all, you should start with yourself. Look at yourself from the outside: do you see a calm, contented mother (also about fathers)?

If not, sit down and think about what is wrong with you personally and with your family relationships. This is primary. The general psychological state of all family members is very well read by children. If the mother experiences constant anxiety, insecurity, the child begins to experience the same thing himself.

A cheerful, happy child can only grow up with psychologically healthy parents.

Parents are much more difficult to deal with. Their neuroses often come from their childhood, adolescence, and more. But if you follow a few rules, you can improve your life and, accordingly, the life of children.

Children don't need our sacrifices

For example, many parents often treat children with a fair amount of sacrifice. Mom came tired from work, and her son or daughter asks to play with him. Mom overpowers herself and agrees. You don't need to do this.

Firstly, the baby sees and feels this tension, it does not bring him that. Secondly, mom should tell him so directly that she is tired and it is better to play tomorrow when she is rested. The child will understand this. Here you kill two birds with one stone - do not torture yourself with sacrifice and instill respect for you.

In general, parents should not devote their lives to their children. They must have their own life. The child should flow into this life, and not be its meaning. This will save you a lot of kinks. For example, from the reproaches of parents: “I devoted my whole life to you. And you are ungrateful ... "And from fair answers:" I did not ask me to give birth "

Hands off children. No slaps or slaps

On the issue of physical punishment of children, psychologist Labkovsky takes a sharply negative position and says that in Israel, for example, a parent pays for the punishment of a child by being ordered to live in another city for a year. For a second case - a prison for 7 years.

In almost all European countries, corporal punishment in the upbringing of children is prohibited by law. There, in general, this is not considered a slap or slap in the face, but is considered a criminal offense against a minor.

Any physical violence injures the psyche of a small person. Those who are stronger, he becomes aggressive after growing up. Those who are weaker become downtrodden, broken. They have pathologically low self-esteem, the consciousness of the victim, they constantly apologize to everyone and feel guilty about everything. Both those and others in adulthood are drawn to partners who are prone to aggression, they have it at the subconscious level.

This situation is familiar to them and does not seem terrible. This is especially noticeable in girls. God forbid, the girl was beaten by her father - in the adult period, she will intuitively choose aggressive partners for life.

Therefore, it is much more important that children are never present during conflicts in the family. Labkovsky is ready to admit that if it is impossible to maintain a healthy climate in the family, divorce is preferable.

The child is a separate person

Another piece of advice from psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is not to put pressure on children with your ambitions, hopes, and let them understand on their own who they are and what they want.

For example, many parents force their children to attend various sections and circles by force, thus taking all the available free time from school. Whereas the child should have at least two hours of “doing nothing” a day. This time is necessary, firstly, to take a break from studying, and secondly, to reflect, think, dream, give freedom to one's own desires.

Nothing can be done beyond the will of the child. The desire to realize their unfulfilled dreams on children sometimes leads to tragedies and certainly to neuroses. Understand that a child is not your appendage, it is a separate person. And this person may have their own characteristics and preferences.

Overprotection

Labkovsky also admits that the country has a big problem with maternal overprotection. Active mothers almost until adulthood do not allow their offspring to make decisions and do everything for them. Because "he (or she) will do badly."

Labkovsky strongly recommends that parents get rid of this addiction. In modern psychology, all the norms of behavior are painted, according to any childhood age. For example, at the age of five, a baby is quite capable of dressing and tying his shoelaces on his own. From the age of 8-9 he can vacuum and wash dishes. We need to give him that opportunity. Not with a whip in hand. Captivate, interest.

Parents often believe that they know best what their offspring needs. They forbid what he wants to do, and force him to do what he is not interested in. Here is the source of the neurosis. From parents it is often heard: "You never know what you want", "There is such a word - it is necessary."

If you look at European countries, then it will not surprise anyone if a four-year-old kid jumps in a puddle. In us, this will cause a shout: “Stop it!”

Therefore, our children grow up intimidated, their eyes do not burn. They constantly look around and get scared.

Even such a trifle as buying clothes should give the little person the opportunity to be free. At least start with this. Let him choose what he likes in the store, even if it is the most ridiculous thing that was in the store.

You just have to love your child. Anyone!

In conclusion, Labkovsky asks all parents to realize that children are loved just like that, without any conditions. Just because they have a child! And all the signs of dissatisfaction with your son or daughter are signs of dissatisfaction with yourself.

So deal with your head first - this is how Labkovsky calls.

“And don’t forget my 6 rules, because they apply to children too!”

Do what pleases
Don't do what you don't like
Talk about what you don't like IMMEDIATELY
Answer only the question
Don't answer when not asked
Talk only about yourself when talking about relationships

Mikhail Labkovsky never calls himself a child psychologist. He works with adults. All his advice is addressed to those mothers and fathers who are ready to change in order to build harmonious relationships with their children.

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

parent example

1. "Lectures on the upbringing of children, advice from psychologists and teachers on family relations are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable."

2. “Being unhappy people, there is no way you can build a relationship with a child in such a way that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then nothing needs to be done on purpose.

3. “It is impossible, without loving yourself, to raise a child into a person who will love himself. And a parent with low self-esteem cannot raise children with high self-esteem. Although many are trying very hard.

Rewrite the children's script

4. “Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best way they could. You can’t change them, you have to change yourself: rewrite the children’s script, grow out of it.”

Stability, comfort, trust

6. "The feeling of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses."

7. “Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents in the first place. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then, naturally, his confidence in life in general and in people in particular is undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs, cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad betrayed her.”

Family harmony

9. “If you take a complete family, but neurotic, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”

When Parenting Stops Causing "Cute" Delight

10. “The trouble is that most parents lisp with their children until a certain age, and already at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that they have a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait ... When you want the children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish what you did not have time, it is fraught.

11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force”, she feels like a hostage to her child, or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with her child”, because that’s how responsible she is, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of himself, ”or even worse -“ lives for him ”, the children definitely don’t feel any better from this.”

Do not confuse care and education

12. “Making sure that a child is dressed, shod and fed is a concern, not an upbringing. Unfortunately, many parents believe that enough care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with the child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem moves to school, where all the conversation revolves around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and perfectly understand when they are “sitting” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes tired in the evening, on the one hand she has remorse that her children require attention, on the other - who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to keep up a conversation with them, and she wants only one thing - to lie down and die of fatigue ... It’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to the children, ask for their support - you don't have to carry everything! In the end, tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. Chat tomorrow. Better than the nightly tantrums: "The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you ...".

14. “And when, because of guilt, they are paid off with toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came home from work late again, and I’ll go on a business trip for the weekend, so you, son, have a new designer” ... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child's psyche, and even in physiology.

15. “A healthy situation when a mother, impatiently (and not blaming herself for anything), anticipating how she will hug her daughter or son, hurries home from work. From work, where she realizes herself, communicates, gets satisfaction and where she manages to miss her child. And those couple of hours or less that a parent and child spend together are really valuable, filled with love, sincere interest in each other and give a lot to both parties.

If the family is not the first child

16. “Dear parents! When a second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Neither behavior nor words let them understand that, they say, "you are already big." Firstly, although he is older, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his later life.

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness.

17. “A child, like yourself, must be loved simply for the fact that he was born and is. And all these ambitions, demands, dissatisfaction with a son or daughter are clear signs of dissatisfaction with oneself, one's own unsatisfied ambitions and one's own, excuse me, insolvency.

18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only) do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did a bad thing”. Use the wording: “I don’t like it when you ...”, “I would like that ...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind, but strong people who can protect him, can refuse him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

parent example

2. “Being unhappy people, there is no way you can build a relationship with a child in such a way that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then nothing needs to be done on purpose.

Rewrite the children's script

Stability, comfort, trust

6. "The feeling of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses."

Family harmony

9. "If you take a complete family, but neurotic, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable."

10. “The trouble is that most parents lisp with their children until a certain age, and at the age of four they suddenly refuse to understand that they have a child in front of them. And they begin to demand something, put pressure, wait ... When you want the children to bear your last name, this is normal, but when you want them to finish what you did not have time, it is fraught.

11. “When a mother is on maternity leave for a long time and “through force”, feels like a hostage to her child, or consciously, by a strong-willed decision “spends a lot of time with her child”, because that’s how responsible she is, or - even worse - “devotes son (daughter) all of himself, ”or even worse -“ lives for him ”, the children definitely don’t get any easier from this.”

Do not confuse care and education

12. “Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is a concern, not an upbringing. Unfortunately, many parents believe that enough care is enough. At the same time, parents often do not know how to communicate with the child. They just can't talk to him. Then this problem moves to school, where all the conversation revolves around grades, lessons, behavior and exams.

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and perfectly understand when they are “sitting” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a tired mother comes in the evening, on the one hand, she has remorse that the children need attention, on the other hand, who will feed them if she quits her job? And so she tries to keep up a conversation with them, and she wants only one thing - to lie down and die from fatigue ... It’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to children, ask for their support - no need to drag everything on yourself! In the end, tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. Chat tomorrow. Better than the nightly tantrums: "The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you ...".

14. “And when, because of guilt, they are paid off with toys, children also know very well. “Sorry, I came back from work late again, and I’ll go on a business trip for the weekend, so you, son, have a new designer” ... Such relationships - with initially incorrect settings - are reflected in the child's psyche, and even in physiology.

16. “Dear parents! When the second, third, fifth child is born in your family, do not tell the elders that they are already adults. Neither behavior nor words let them understand that, they say, "you are already big." Firstly, although he is older, he still remains small in relation to his parents, and this is the only normal position. And secondly, children perceive all these stories about “you are now the elder” as a sign that they no longer love him or love him less. This is painful and extremely unhelpful for family relationships and his later life.

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness.

18. “In a conversation with a child (and not only), do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions. Don't talk about him, talk about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did bad”. Use the wording: “I don’t like it when you ...”, “I would like that ...” Less criticism, more constructive and positive.

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind, but strong people who can protect him, can refuse him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”

We have prepared for you important and useful quotes from articles and public speeches by a psychologist on how to raise a happy child.

parent example

2. “Being unhappy people, there is no way you can build a relationship with a child in such a way that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then nothing needs to be done on purpose.

Rewrite the children's script

Stability, comfort, trust

6. "The feeling of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses."

Family harmony

9. “If you take a complete family, but neurotic, and a family without a father, the second is definitely preferable.”

Alex Janu / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0

When Parenting Stops Causing "Cute" Delight

Do not confuse care and education

Guilt

13. “Children read everything and perfectly understand when they are “sitting” or walking with them out of guilt. Or, for example, a mother comes tired in the evening, on the one hand she has remorse that the children need attention, on the other - who will feed them if she quits work? And so she tries to keep up a conversation with them, and she wants only one thing - to lie down and die of fatigue ... It’s hard for her, and it’s not easy for them. Look for helpers, talk to the children, ask for their support - you don't have to carry everything! In the end, tired - hug the children, wash your face and go to bed. Chat tomorrow. Better than the nightly tantrums: "The whole house rests on me, I work and stand at the stove, and you ...".

Donnie Ray Jones / Flickr / CC-BY-2.0

If the family is not the first child

Just unconditional love without ambition is the main guarantee of children's happiness.

19. “The child should feel that parents are kind, but strong people who can protect him, can refuse him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.”